I am not a good person. My stomach turns everytime I hear the door from the garage open. My husband is coming in. No he is not abusive but his needs make me cranky. It's not his fault - that's why I am not a good person. Even as I write this I feel SO guilty-like the marriage police is going to come busting through the front door and take me away for even dare thinking such terrible thoughts. Because of his illness he NEEDS me to help him with just about everything and I feel used and overextended, but that's not right. I should be compassionate and caring. I am one of those people who believe we pretty much reap what we sow. So I try my hardest to be nice and accommodating, but I know my attitude just stinks most of the time.

If I eat something he eats the same thing, if I being home snacks or sweets he eats them before I can. The thing is he didn't used to be this way, now I think he just can't think for himself so he follows me, but it's annoying.

Crying

I don't want to cry anymore. Lately all I have wanted to do is cry, cry, cry. But I am going to change that. I am vowing to look at the a more positive side of life. I didn't used to be so sad - believe it or not, I actually was a "fun" person to be around. Something changed. My daily environment just sucks the life right out of me and I can't change that, but I can change how I let it affect me. (is it affect or effect I never know which) So for the last few days I have been trying hard to not let negative, ugly thoughts creep into my head. I have been consciencely trying to keep my thoughts light and thankful. Thankful for all that I do have and thankful that I know God has a plan even if I don't. I'll let you know how I'm doing..

Routines

I do better on a routine. When I don't have a routine I tend to do a lot of nothing. Not because I'm lazy, but because I procrastinate. If I don't have a time schedule, I find myself wasting a lot of time, instead of using it to get things done and then I slip into a pity party or worse, I get angry. I work best when I am in a time crunch. Now that may sound crazy scary to someone who has their daily-weekly-monthly schedule all neatly written out in their planners. Give me 45 minutes before a party and I'm doing my best work, wrapping and designing something unique and special. If I have 4 days - nothing. Give me 15 minutes before we have to leave and I'm pickin my best outfit and creating a new hairdo - 5 days - nothing.

When I have a routine like during the school year, that works great for me. I know what I'm doing from 6:30-8:30 am and again from 2:30-3:30 pm. I know that between those times I have to get certain things done. Things that I can't do when kids are around. I know what my time periods are. I know what to expect. I love summer, but it's too much free time for me. I need routine to survive.