Crying

I don't want to cry anymore. Lately all I have wanted to do is cry, cry, cry. But I am going to change that. I am vowing to look at the a more positive side of life. I didn't used to be so sad - believe it or not, I actually was a "fun" person to be around. Something changed. My daily environment just sucks the life right out of me and I can't change that, but I can change how I let it affect me. (is it affect or effect I never know which) So for the last few days I have been trying hard to not let negative, ugly thoughts creep into my head. I have been consciencely trying to keep my thoughts light and thankful. Thankful for all that I do have and thankful that I know God has a plan even if I don't. I'll let you know how I'm doing..

Routines

I do better on a routine. When I don't have a routine I tend to do a lot of nothing. Not because I'm lazy, but because I procrastinate. If I don't have a time schedule, I find myself wasting a lot of time, instead of using it to get things done and then I slip into a pity party or worse, I get angry. I work best when I am in a time crunch. Now that may sound crazy scary to someone who has their daily-weekly-monthly schedule all neatly written out in their planners. Give me 45 minutes before a party and I'm doing my best work, wrapping and designing something unique and special. If I have 4 days - nothing. Give me 15 minutes before we have to leave and I'm pickin my best outfit and creating a new hairdo - 5 days - nothing.

When I have a routine like during the school year, that works great for me. I know what I'm doing from 6:30-8:30 am and again from 2:30-3:30 pm. I know that between those times I have to get certain things done. Things that I can't do when kids are around. I know what my time periods are. I know what to expect. I love summer, but it's too much free time for me. I need routine to survive.

Sometimes I get like this-it just comes over me and I can't stop it no matter what I do. The spiraling round and down. I used to think it was a seasonal thing, but more recently it can start even when it's beautiful out. Today is one of those days. I try to get back up emotionally, I try to downplay the feelings I get of wanting to be alone, the grumpyness (is that a word?)and getting irritated over every little thing. Why today I wonder. I had a sugar cookie this morning for breakfast, early, maybe that started it? I saw the tube of uncooked cookie dough in the refrigerator last night that I had forgotten I'd bought. I checked the expiration date and it was past due by about 5 weeks, but I don't think that matters. I took a bite of the dough and it tasted okay so I made them.

Then I had a cinnamon roll later this morning, thinking that might boost my mood. I think I was feeling fine until the sugar cookie but it's hard to tell since I ate it right after I got up because I was on the run to get somewhere. It's now early evening and I still feel like I'm coming apart-could it still be the sugar? If it is something that simple, I'd try to give up sugar, well maybe - or at least not eat it so early in the morning. I don't like this feeling - it could be depression I guess. All I want to do is go to bed and not deal with anything or anyone and wake up feeling positive and motivated and happy tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes. No sugar in the morning..