Crying

I don't want to cry anymore. Lately all I have wanted to do is cry, cry, cry. But I am going to change that. I am vowing to look at the a more positive side of life. I didn't used to be so sad - believe it or not, I actually was a "fun" person to be around. Something changed. My daily environment just sucks the life right out of me and I can't change that, but I can change how I let it affect me. (is it affect or effect I never know which) So for the last few days I have been trying hard to not let negative, ugly thoughts creep into my head. I have been consciencely trying to keep my thoughts light and thankful. Thankful for all that I do have and thankful that I know God has a plan even if I don't. I'll let you know how I'm doing..

Routines

I do better on a routine. When I don't have a routine I tend to do a lot of nothing. Not because I'm lazy, but because I procrastinate. If I don't have a time schedule, I find myself wasting a lot of time, instead of using it to get things done and then I slip into a pity party or worse, I get angry. I work best when I am in a time crunch. Now that may sound crazy scary to someone who has their daily-weekly-monthly schedule all neatly written out in their planners. Give me 45 minutes before a party and I'm doing my best work, wrapping and designing something unique and special. If I have 4 days - nothing. Give me 15 minutes before we have to leave and I'm pickin my best outfit and creating a new hairdo - 5 days - nothing.

When I have a routine like during the school year, that works great for me. I know what I'm doing from 6:30-8:30 am and again from 2:30-3:30 pm. I know that between those times I have to get certain things done. Things that I can't do when kids are around. I know what my time periods are. I know what to expect. I love summer, but it's too much free time for me. I need routine to survive.

Sometimes I get like this-it just comes over me and I can't stop it no matter what I do. The spiraling round and down. I used to think it was a seasonal thing, but more recently it can start even when it's beautiful out. Today is one of those days. I try to get back up emotionally, I try to downplay the feelings I get of wanting to be alone, the grumpyness (is that a word?)and getting irritated over every little thing. Why today I wonder. I had a sugar cookie this morning for breakfast, early, maybe that started it? I saw the tube of uncooked cookie dough in the refrigerator last night that I had forgotten I'd bought. I checked the expiration date and it was past due by about 5 weeks, but I don't think that matters. I took a bite of the dough and it tasted okay so I made them.

Then I had a cinnamon roll later this morning, thinking that might boost my mood. I think I was feeling fine until the sugar cookie but it's hard to tell since I ate it right after I got up because I was on the run to get somewhere. It's now early evening and I still feel like I'm coming apart-could it still be the sugar? If it is something that simple, I'd try to give up sugar, well maybe - or at least not eat it so early in the morning. I don't like this feeling - it could be depression I guess. All I want to do is go to bed and not deal with anything or anyone and wake up feeling positive and motivated and happy tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes. No sugar in the morning..

Another day

Well here I am again and it hasn't even been a year! Excuse my moanings again, I know most people would rather read about happy, life is wonderful, hubby is perfect, kids are angels, type of blog, but I'm not there - right now this is my real life and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

Things seem to be happening faster these days-or could it be I'm getting older and I'm just not moving or thinking as fast as the world seems to be going? No that can't be it..I'm not that old.

This week has held more exciting or depressing events, depending on if you are a half-glass full or empty kind of person. Most of my life I have been the half-glass full kind of peson, but I have allowed myself to slip into the half-glass empty type.

I know better, but sometimes you just sink so far below the surface of life that you forgot who you are or how to have any joy. That's what has happened to me. I have let life strangle the joy out of me. I know we can have joy to matter what our circumstances - I don't necessary mean the kind of joy you feel when a new baby is born into the family or the excitement you feel when getting that gift for Christmas that you never thought in a million years you would get because you didn't tell anyone because you didn't think you deserved it - no I mean the kind of joy that comes from an inner peace.

A joy that comes from knowing that somehow, someway, all things work together for our good. The peace that takes you to another level, up above the craziness of everyday living. I think you can stay there if you try to remember one thing, have an "attitude of gratitude". (I'm sure that saying originated from someone else but I don't know who to acredit it to and I'm on a roll here so I'm not going to stop and check it out!)

My daughter, my beautiful daughter, got very sick this past week. She is a handful on a good day, always taking on much more than one person should, (and I wonder where she got that from?) and now she is very sick. The doctors know she has some kind of bacterial infection, but so far none of the meds she has been given have helped. She can hardly swallow, everything she eats comes right back up. She has lost too much weight and her hair seems to be falling out more than the usual daily amount we all find in our brush.

Our boys found my husband who has some health problems along with mild demensia, laying face down on the front porch while I was at work the other day - no he didn't have a stroke or anything, just somehow fell out of his chair on the porch. We have no idea how and he doesn't either. After we got him settled inside the house and on the couch, I went back to work only to be called a little later by my daughter screaming she was passing out and needed help! I quickly left work again and when I got home found out she was yelling so loudly, the neighbors behind us that we don't know, came running over to see what was the matter. They came inside the house and tried to talk to my husband whom they encountered first - he was still rummy from whatever happened to him earlier and just stared at them blankly and walked away, never wondering why there were strangers in our house nor comprenhending what they were saying. They checked on our daughter and called to get her some assistance from other family members until I could get there and I'm sure went home shaking their heads wondering who we are and how do we exist without handlers!

A-a-a let's see - now where did I put that inner peace? hmmm...